Venom

I tapered off my anti-depressants a few days ago.

The full range of my emotions has been coming back, one by one. Each day I rediscover what it's like to really feel a certain emotion again. It's very interesting, and sometimes overwhelming to remember what it's like to feel something at my 'baseline' level again.

On the first day I felt my energy return, like I'd finally shed a curse of chronic numbness. The day after I rediscovered the highs of joy and the feeling of unstoppable, breath-stealing laughter. I also experienced real frustration for the first time in half a year after playing my boyfriend in Fox-Marth, but we'll skip over that one for now.

Today I rediscovered Anger.

I remember how I've been wronged, and I am seething with bitterness and venom at being fucked up, in part due to other people's choices. I feel a burning rage in my heart which I have somewhat quelled by walking on my treadmill at 4.5mph for 30 minutes, and listening to 'The Sound of Perseverance' by Death at uncomfortable volumes.

I know that these feelings are just intense and raw right now because of my new (old) state of mind, but logic doesn't dull the sharp twisting of the knife by much. The withdrawal symptoms aren't helping either. Seething and spitting inaudible vitriol to metal songs on a treadmill, while getting my brain intensely zapped isn't exactly how I planned to spend my morning.

They don't warn you about the suffering that is required to stop taking these pills, and it's difficult to decide whether my doctors are oblivious or incompetent when it comes to the brain-altering medicines they shoot scattershot at our symptoms. They recommended I taper Effexor by skipping days, something which if you actually understand the drug, is akin to flossing your brain with razor-wire. My trust in them is somehow dropping further below the subterranean level it was at before...

My experience of the past 6 months has given me a lot of perspective. I feel like I've actually started living my life, in stark contrast to the decades of static I can barely say I even experienced. I have goals, things I actually want to achieve, and people I love and want to cherish. I think about it sometimes and choke up at how good it has felt to be alive for once. Gratitude is a feeling that seemed to shine through the Lexapro fog, almost in refusal of its numbing touch. I felt it since that day in September when I bathed in the sun and took my first breath of fresh air in years. I suppose I have Lexapro to thank for giving me a way out of the dark.

I think this new perspective is helping me deal with this returning intensity. For the first time I actually see the road ahead, and I can feel my feet on ground I'd optimistically describe as solid. I don't want to bury my anger and venom anymore, dealing with it is the only way I'll ever be able to move on with my life. At least that's how I feel now.

I want to listen more to what these rediscovered feelings are telling me this time, instead of trying to remove and deny them. It isn't wrong to feel anger at my circumstances, I think it matters more how I choose to deal with it. I'm proud of how I've used it today, as a means to get off my ass and do some exercise and express myself. I wrote some music to channel it in another way while walking, something I often do with a lot of my negative thoughts and feelings. I am supposed to be a musician after all, my barren discography notwithstanding.

I'm trying so hard to change, to reshuffle the messed up cards I was dealt (and drew myself). And you know, this time it feels different. This time it seems to be working at least a little. I don't feel that angry anymore.